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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26107084">Cause and Effect</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdayAngeline/pseuds/WednesdayAngeline'>WednesdayAngeline</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>All Time Low (Band), Bandom, Waterparks (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i'm not tagging daph in tags in case she finds this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:21:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,324</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26107084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdayAngeline/pseuds/WednesdayAngeline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi. First of all, if this is Jawn or Daphne or Awsten or Travis or if you're in any way affiliated with the band you might not wanna read this. It's mostly just me projecting my issues onto people I like, this isn't speculation on anyone's mental health and this is purely fiction.<br/>Trigger warnings for ED behaviors and some talk about ED internet culture. Any numbers or specific items from chain shops are based on what I can find on the internet, I don't live in the US so it's just guessing. This fic is not meant to romanticize eating disorders, please let me know how I can improve in that aspect if you find that I did so.<br/>I tried to inject small doses of comedy and fluff despite the dark themes. Please let me know if you have any feedback or if you liked the story!</p>
    </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Awsten Knight/Geoff Wigington, Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cause and Effect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi. First of all, if this is Jawn or Daphne or Awsten or Travis or if you're in any way affiliated with the band you might not wanna read this. It's mostly just me projecting my issues onto people I like, this isn't speculation on anyone's mental health and this is purely fiction.<br/>Trigger warnings for ED behaviors and some talk about ED internet culture. Any numbers or specific items from chain shops are based on what I can find on the internet, I don't live in the US so it's just guessing. This fic is not meant to romanticize eating disorders, please let me know how I can improve in that aspect if you find that I did so.<br/>I tried to inject small doses of comedy and fluff despite the dark themes. Please let me know if you have any feedback or if you liked the story!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>8.24</strong>
</p><p>Awsten finally finished unpacking his suitcase, flopping on his bed to relax once he has done so. He surveyed the room for a moment, satisfied with how it was setup, then dropped to the floor and started doing push-ups. Awsten had a strict regimen set for himself and he wasn’t about to break his routine just because he was tired from moving in. He’s only ever broken it once within the two years since he started and that’s when he fainted in high school and was sent to the hospital. Even then, he had fought with his doctor and parents to do the workout.</p><p>“Aws, you wanna come out for dinner?” he heard Travis knock, then call out to him. This year his flatmates were Travis, Jawn and a friend of Jawn’s that he’s met once, Alex. Jawn was his childhood best friend and he’s known Travis since high school. He was excited to get to know Alex, who seemed like a nice dude, if a bit extroverted.</p><p>Awsten reluctantly opened the door, still a bit breathless from working out, and followed Travis down, dreading the meal. He could smell the heavenly aroma of fries and it wasn’t that he didn’t like fries (he loved fries, pre-anorexia he would find any excuse he could to sneak out to the McDonalds nearby), but they had so much oil and sodium and he could <em>feel</em> himself getting fatter already. <em>What you’re smelling is grease,</em> he reminded himself. <em>Grease and unhealthy chemicals that will make your arms even flabbier. </em>He had his tricks to get away from eating, but he didn’t like the idea of them being there at all. It feels like he would ingest calories just by breathing in the salty air.</p><p>He had agreed to do a welcoming meal with all the others to get to know one another though, and he would feel bad for backing out. The suggestion was courtesy of Jawn, who wanted to help Alex ease into their friend circle, knowing that despite his happy-go-lucky exterior, Alex had his own anxieties about being an outcast. Awsten and Travis were both friendly, but Awsten could be reserved at times and Travis had a particular sense of humour that some may call an acquired taste. At the time, he was surprised by Jawn’s suggestion, since he knew that Jawn, much like himself, hated eating with other people. But Jawn was also a good friend, and Awsten admired that, so he was in. He just hoped Travis wouldn’t push him on eating too much.</p><p>Alex and Jawn were already seated at the table. Jawn had ordered cups of corn along with the fries, thank <em>fuck</em>, so he wouldn’t have to feel too bad about the meal. “I got them to put the butter on the side,” Jawn said proudly as he watched Awsten’s eyes survey the food. He would have to eat a burger, but aside from that he could probably get away with just having the corn and some diet Coke.</p><p>“Thanks dude, food looks great,” Awsten replied. “Hey, Alex,” he greeted, nodding towards the other guy, whose expression immediately brightened at his name being mentioned.</p><p>“Hey dude! Unpacking gone smoothly?”</p><p>“Yeah, I just have to put my suitcase away and I’ll be done with it.”</p><p>Travis grabbed a burger and a box of fries. “Y’all can chatter all you want, I’m gonna go ahead and eat. I’m famished.”</p><p>Awsten rolled his eyes internally. There’s no way Travis could actually be <em>famished</em>. He probably had Subway for lunch or something. Travis had an interesting palate. Awsten, on the other hand, hasn’t eaten since last night, and he only had rice cakes and diet Coke for dinner. Cliché, but does the job just fine, and it’s cheap.</p><p>“You and Travis can have the fries,” Jawn said to Alex. “Aws and I are on a diet.” It’s been their way of brushing off people’s concerns when people ask about their eating habits. Travis snorted, having known them long enough to see through their bullshit. </p><p>“Aw man, you’re not having any at all? They’re so good though,” Alex said, through a mouthful of burger. “My boyfriend is an anorectic and he’s terrified of having this sort of thing. Why would anyone deprive themselves of food this good?”</p><p>Travis raised an eyebrow. “Your boyfriend is anorexic?” He could see Jawn and Awsten exchanging looks, practically speaking with their eyes.</p><p><em>I didn’t know</em>, Jawn mouths discreetly at Awsten who was staring daggers.</p><p>“Yeah, Jack’s been struggling with it since middle school. He’s, uh, he’s trying to recover, but it’s a complicated situation. I try my best to help him, it hurts to watch him cry when I ask him to eat, but I want to help him get better. Mental illness is a massive bitch,” Alex replied. He was met with murmurs of agreement, all of them having struggled with their own mental health issues to varying degrees.</p><p>They continued the meal with no further mention of Jack. Awsten and Travis took turns introducing themselves, and both learned that Alex was a senior who studies literature. The atmosphere was light, and Awsten felt himself becoming more relaxed already. Alex was an extrovert, but thankfully someone who adapts to his surroundings. Awsten had been nervous that Alex would be one of those people who were loud 24/7. He hated those people.</p><p>He picked at his corn, Jawn doing the same. He hadn’t touched the burger much, sneaking most of his bites into a napkin. Travis was already on his last fries and Alex had finished his meal, getting up to leave the table. “It’s been great getting to know you guys. I’m gonna head out, I’m spending the night at Jack’s. Catch y’all tomorrow!”</p><p>After they heard the door shut, Travis looked at the other two boys with a stern expression. “Do not,” he said, before Jawn could interrupt, “do <em>not</em> use Alex’s boyfriend as motivation or rope him into your issues. I know you two have your little weight loss competition thing going on and frankly it’s unhealthy but I’m not going to overstep my boundaries here, I know telling you two to eat won’t help. But don’t bring Jack into it, it seems like Alex really cares about him, and he’s recovering.”</p><p>“I didn’t know he was anorexic,” Jawn said helplessly. “I swear I would’ve asked someone else to join our flat if I knew.” He knew Awsten was paranoid about being caught, and it’s not going to help if Jack comes over and catches them in their habits.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter, I just want everyone to get along here, okay? Alex is a nice dude and I’m sure his boyfriend is too. Don’t go intervening with someone else’s recovery.”</p><p>Awsten rolled his eyes. “Of course, what do you take us for? We’re not monsters. And Alex seems like a chill guy, I like him.”</p><p>“You do?” Jawn said hopefully. “I thought you guys might like him, he’s uh, a bit less over the top.”</p><p>“Imagine if we asked Elijah to live with us,” Awsten joked. He loved Elijah like a brother, but he would not be able to manage living with the guy. Elijah smoked so much weed and loved his fast food, and he had those puppy dog eyes that made it hard for Awsten to say no to him when he came up with new stunts to show his followers on Instagram.</p><p>Jawn and Travis both laughed at the thought. “None of us would survive a week.”</p><p>They cleaned up the kitchen and Awsten retreated to his room. <em>An anorexic boyfriend,</em> he thought. <em>Alex Gaskarth is full of surprises</em>.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>8.25</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Daphne: Still up for today babe?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Yeah Awsten and I are leaving in 10</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Daphne: Cool see you xo</em>
</p><p>Jawn stuffed the phone in his jean pocket and grabbed his bag. Geoff had asked them if they would like to double date with him and Awsten at a café and Jawn loved the idea…up until a couple days ago when he realized that meant he’d probably have to eat.</p><p>Jawn loved eating. Always has, since he was a kid. He used to go for second and third helpings at family meals. But after he quit basketball in sophomore year of high school, he couldn’t afford to eat so much anymore – his family were making not-so-subtle comments about the pounds he put on, and little Jawn didn’t deal with criticism well. He still didn’t. His go-to method of comfort was curling up in a ball and sobbing his lungs out to the sound of Bring Me The Horizon.</p><p>At some point, a couple months after Awsten’s anorexia developed, Jawn had tried mimicking his best friend’s eating habits. He had some success for the first couple weeks, but then he slipped, had a binge. Five cheeseburgers, two large fries and a jumbo-sized milkshake went down with a tray of cupcakes and two packs of gummy worms. He felt sick afterwards. He didn’t even get to enjoy the food, it felt almost like an out-of-body experience, he was on autopilot and just inhaled whatever was in front of him. Disgusted by himself, he went for his last resort to lose weight. He waddled to the toilet bowl and stuck two fingers down his throat. The food was extremely difficult to purge, with bits of acidic gummy getting stuck in his throat and even up his nose. The cheeseburgers came up easy but the fries were painful and required a lot of gagging before anything came up. By the end of the purge, there were tears rolling down Jawn’s cheeks from the pain.</p><p>He learnt a lot in the following week. He went online and found various forums and blogs where people taught him how to purge easier, which foods to purge, etc. Purging became second nature to him, something he would do after most meals. The frequency grew as his weight dropped on the scale. Soon Awsten noticed his bruised knuckles and knew what Jawn was hiding. He had to beg Awsten not to tell, and Awsten was adamant about stopping his best friend from spiralling into bulimia until Jawn pulled his trump card – threatening to tell Awsten’s parents and the school about his anorexic behaviour. Awsten had shut up almost immediately and relented.</p><p>After that, they were each other’s competition. There was never any spoken agreement, the two just both decided that they had to be the sicker one, the better one, the one with more self-control. Self-control was ultimately what it came down to when it came to losing weight, and even more so when it came to losing weight in disordered ways. They remained best friends and covered for each other when people offered one of them food, but there would always be this hint of satisfaction in seeing the other person eat, or being able to brag about losing more weight than the other.</p><p>“Dude, are you gonna just stand there staring into space or are you coming with? I don’t want to be late just because your dumbass picked the most inconvenient time to zone out.”</p><p>Jawn snapped out of his reverie. They got into Awsten’s car and set off for the café, a quaint little thing Geoff saw on some hipster’s Instagram.</p><p>“So, you looked up the menu yet?” Awsten asked. It was a stupid question, of course Jawn has. They both have. The menus at the café will have the calories listed, but it’s just become something they do out of habit to quell their anxieties. Neither of them liked surprises, especially when it came to food.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m getting a chocolate cupcake. It’s like 400 calories but I’m gonna purge it anyway. Stuff with frosting comes up easy, and Daphne’s probably going to push me to eat anyway so it’s better if I just pick something.”</p><p>“Oh, nice. I’m probably just gonna get a coffee or something, I don’t feel like eating today.”</p><p>Jawn rolled his eyes. <em>Awsten hasn’t felt like eating in like, four years. </em>“Latte with non-fat milk and Ensure?” he guessed.</p><p>“Close, I’m not craving sugar, so I’ll skip the Ensure.”</p><p>Awsten drove in silence for a while before Jawn piped up. “What do you think Jack’s like?”</p><p>“No idea, could be an absolute wildcard. Let’s just hope he doesn’t bust us.”</p><p>Jawn rolled his eyes. “You know Travis isn’t stupid right? He said it himself, he knows what we’re up to, he just lets us get away with it. And Alex is bound to find out sooner or later even if Jack doesn’t tell him. Not that hard to tell when you ‘don’t feel like eating’ every single meal every day and I’m retching three times a day.”</p><p>Awsten sighed. “Just let it go, I don’t want to think about him right now. We’ll deal with whatever comes our way when we meet him. I don’t want to trigger him or anything like that.”</p><p><em>Your existence triggers me</em>, Jawn thought, and he meant it. Awsten’s bony wrists and slender fingers and his collarbones and sunken cheekbones haunts him every day. <em>Who needs thinspiration when you practically have a living skeleton for a best friend?</em></p><p>They made their way to the café, where both Geoff and Daphne were already waiting. Geoff pulled Awsten into a tight hug, and Jawn gave Daphne a quick peck on the lips. They collectively decided on one of the window booths, since frankly they could all do with the extra sunlight. A waitress walked up to them with a smile, notepad in hand. “Are y’all ready to order?”</p><p>Geoff ordered a slice of red velvet and a cappuccino. <em>480</em>, Jawn and Awsten both mentally noted. Daphne got a vanilla cupcake and a latte. <em>584. </em>Sometimes Jawn wonders how Daphne keeps her figure when she eats absolute trash most days.</p><p>Daphne nudged him lightly. “Do you wanna get some cake maybe?” She was always gentle in her way of getting him to eat. She had the patience of a saint, and Jawn was so lucky to have her.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll, uh, have a chocolate cupcake and a water please. Awsten?”</p><p>Awsten peeked his eyes out from the menu despite having already decided what he would order two days ago. “I’ll have a latte with non-fat milk. No sugar.” He let the waitress collect the menu, flashing her a charming smile.</p><p>Their food arrived quickly, and as everyone started eating, Geoff asked, “so, what’s Alex like?”</p><p>“Oh, have you not met him yet? He’s a sweet guy,” Daphne said, wiping away some frosting that got on her lip. “He’s really into music, plays guitar. Think he’d get along with you good Aws.”</p><p>“Hopefully not too good,” Geoff joked. “I’d love to meet him. Invite me over someday?”</p><p>“I literally just settled in <em>yesterday</em>. You can come over tomorrow, Alex’s bringing Jack over as well.” Awsten rolled his eyes slightly at his boyfriend’s jibe.</p><p>“Jack is Alex’s boyfriend, he’s an absolute sweetheart too. Poor thing has been so much though, he might be a bit shy at first, but he’ll be cracking dick jokes in no time,” Daphne chimed in. She and Jawn have met Jack once or twice. Jawn didn’t remember anything about him being an anorectic though, but he did look quite skinny. Maybe a BMI of 18 if Jawn had to guess.</p><p>Geoff tilted his head in interest. “What’s he been through?” Awsten’s hands curled into fists at his question, but Geoff didn’t notice.</p><p>“He has an eating disorder. Anorexic,” Jawn blurted out before Daphne could say anything. He finished his cupcake, feeling stuffed since he’s been alternating each bite with a big gulp of water.</p><p>“And he had an abusive family dynamic. Alex had to be very gentle with him for the longest while, he used to spam me with texts about it,” Daphne said. “This was before I met you, or I would’ve told you,” she added to clarify for Jawn.</p><p>Jawn shrugged. “I don’t mind, Daph. That’s really kind of him, helping Jack like that. It’s a responsible boyfriend thing to do, if you had issues like that I’d do the same for you.”</p><p>“Awww, you sap.” Daphne blushed and leaned into Jawn, giving him a small kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“Ew!” Awsten exclaimed as Geoff made fake vomit noises.</p><p>Jawn rolled his eyes. “What are you, twelve?”</p><p>Awsten made a face at him and everyone laughed. The afternoon continued in casual conversation, and Jawn doesn’t remember the last time he’s had food as good as that cupcake.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>8.26</strong>
</p><p>Awsten was cuddling Geoff on the couch when they heard the door unlock. “Hey y’all!” He heard Alex call out a greeting. He replied with a greeting as well, his hand clutching Geoff’s wrist and tightening as Alex and Jack entered the room.</p><p>He observed the newcomer, staring at Jack without even bothering to mask his interest. <em>BMI should be around 18, </em>he thought. <em>I win. He has an amazing frame though. Look at those wrists. And he’s handsome, he’s got a pretty face. </em>It was stupid, but Awsten was terrified of Jack usurping his place as, for the lack of a more suitable description, ‘the best anorexic’. With Jawn it wasn’t difficult since Jawn had bulimia and he was anorexic which automatically put him higher on the ‘hierarchy’ of eating disorders. Both he and Jawn knew it, that even though logically eating disorders were all harmful in their own ways, there was a sick hierarchy in eating disorder culture. But with Jack being another anorexic…that meant he could be a threat to Awsten’s imaginary ‘throne’. And Awsten detested the idea of someone being sicker than him. It made him feel as though he wasn’t good enough. Like he hasn’t lost enough weight to be perfect. But Awsten had a lower BMI, so he <em>won</em>.</p><p>“Hey, are you done staring at my boyfriend? I know he’s hot, but have some tact man,” Alex joked. Geoff and Awsten both laughed. “Especially with your boyfriend next to you. Hi Geoff, I’m Alex,” he said, reaching to shake Geoff’s outstretched hand.</p><p>Geoff returned Alex’s smile with his own grin, the two extroverts hitting it off immediately after Alex’s joke. “It’s great to finally meet you! Daphne says you’re into music?”</p><p>“Yeah, I play guitar as a hobby,” Alex said. He nudged Jack. “This is my boyfriend, Jack. He’s an art student, but not the insufferable kind.”</p><p>Jack laughed a little at that, breaking out of his shy demeanour. “Hey, I’m Jack, nice to meet you.”</p><p>Awsten, being much calmer since he has assessed Jack, also held out a hand, which Jack took. “Hi, I’m Awsten.”</p><p>“Hey, nice to meet you dude. You’re one of Jawn’s friends, right?” Jack asked.</p><p>Awsten nodded. “Yeah. And that’s Travis, the other one that lives here,” he gestured to the doorway where Travis was walking past. “Travis, come greet our guest,” he called out.</p><p>“Oh, I forgot you were coming today. Sorry, I’m not usually this scatterbrained. Anyway, I’m Travis, the smart one in this household,” Travis said, swinging himself onto a chair.</p><p>“You’re a junior and I’m a senior in the same subject. There’s literally no way you can be smarter than me,” Alex pointed out.  </p><p>“You study literature too?” Jack asked. “I’m Jack, by the way.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m a massive nerd like Alex, but I’m cooler.”</p><p>“I play guitar. You make shit-themed lyrical parodies. No way you’re cooler than me either, man.”</p><p>“I make <em>really good</em> shit-themed lyrical parodies.” Jack giggled at his boyfriend’s banter with Travis, finally starting to relax.</p><p>Alex’s phone chimed, and he looked to check it. “Jawn just texted me, he wants to join us for dinner and asked if wingstop is fine, Daph says she’s treating.” He looked at Jack. “Are wings okay, babe? You can take the skin off,” he coaxed.</p><p>Jack’s lower lip began to wobble. “Do they have salads? I, I really don’t want wings, that’s so many calories…”</p><p>“I’m sure they have salads. I’ll text Jawn to get you a salad, okay? And if it tastes bad you can have some of my wings, but I won’t make you if you don’t want. But you have to have the salad, deal?” Alex said gently, trying to prevent Jack from fully going into a meltdown. Jack nodded reluctantly, clearly unhappy with the deal but knowing this is the best he can get.</p><p>If Jack weren’t a guest Awsten would scoff at him. Wingstop salads were fattening, they use a ton of dressing and god knows what other chemicals to make it tasty. Anorexia 101, look up the menu for caloric values. That salad he was going to have would cost nine times the calories of what Awsten was ordering.</p><p>
  <em>Awsten: HEY, TELL DAPH THANKS FOR THE TREAT. I WOULD LIKE VEGGIE STICKS AND A DIET COKE THX BRO</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Got it dude. See y’all in a bit, also Geoff hasn’t texted me what he wants</em>
</p><p>“Geoff, text Jawn what you want from wingstop,” Awsten reminded his boyfriend, curling into his side. He noticed Jack’s eyes on his exposed wrists, his tiny wrists that were his pride, and he smiled to himself. <em>I’m going to win.</em></p><p> </p><p>Jawn fiddled with the key, managing to open the door to the flat on his second try. “I need to get this lock changed, it’s a bitch to deal with every time,” he grumbled, letting Daphne in. He hears loud music from the corridor. <em>Probably Awsten playing his guitar</em>.</p><p>Daphne set the takeout on the dinner table, waving to Geoff and Travis, who were locked in an intense game of Super Smash Bros. “Hey y’all,” Geoff called out. “Can’t talk now but thanks for the food, we’ll join y’all when we’re done with this round.”</p><p>“You mean when I beat you this round,” Travis teased.</p><p>Jawn rolled his eyes at their antics. “Neither of you are going to beat me when we rematch after dinner. Geoff is just barely competition.”</p><p>“Hey, I remember beating you the other night, don’t be talking such a big game now!”</p><p>“That’s because you use Bowser!” Jawn whined at his girlfriend’s jibe. “If you weren’t using Bowser I’d beat you every time.”</p><p>“Fuck!” Geoff yelled, tossing his controller onto the couch. Travis burst into a fit of giggles.</p><p>“Told ya I’d win this round,” he said. “Oh, Alex and Jack are in Awsten’s room by the way. They’re doing music stuff.”</p><p>Jawn’s interest piqued, he walked to Awsten’s room. He could hear Awsten’s voice and his keyboard. He knocked on the door tentatively. “Dinner’s here,” he called out.</p><p>Jack answered the door, a smile on his face to Jawn’s surprise. “Hey dude! Awsten was showing us some of the music he wrote.”</p><p>“Oh that’s great, dude is super talented.” <em>Now that Alex talked about it, Jack is really noticeably skinny…he makes it look natural though.</em> Jawn realized he was staring at Jack’s body and a blush crept up his cheeks. “I…uh. I like your shirt?”</p><p>Jack grinned. “Yeah, Paramore, they’re really cool. I got to see them live a couple years back!”</p><p>Jawn and Jack continued to chat for a bit as they walked out to the living room, Alex and Awsten joining them after putting away their instruments. Daphne has already set everyone’s food on the table. “Jack, this is yours, this is Alex’s. Awsten that’s yours, this is mine and Jawn’s, that’s Geoff’s and this one’s Travis’. Bone apple teeth nerds.”</p><p>“Thanks, Daph,” everyone chorused, taking their seats at the table.  </p><p>“I just got paid yesterday. No need to thank me, as long as I get to kick all of your asses at Smash later,” she grinned and bit into a chicken wing.</p><p>Jack opened his salad and let out a yelp. “What is it?” Alex asked, alarmed.</p><p>“It’s a potato salad. I don’t eat potatoes. I thought this was going to be a leaf salad.” Jack looked like he was on the verge of tears again. Alex shot Daphne an apologetic look. Daphne mouthed <em>it’s okay</em> back, but everyone could tell she was a little hurt.</p><p>Alex started rubbing circles on Jack’s back. “It’s okay, you can have a little bit of it, okay? Maybe a quarter? I know it’s hard baby,” he persuaded. “But you have to eat to keep your energy up.”</p><p>“I’m going to gain so much weight,” Jack babbled, “there’s so much oil and it’s a carb and…”</p><p>Jawn felt bad for ordering the potato salad now. He was going to purge it later, and he’s not sure whether Jack purges, but he felt like a bad person for getting it. But still, he had to do the good friend thing. “Hey, Jack, c’mon, look at me. I’m on a diet and I’m eating the potato salad too,” he coaxed. “How about for every bite I take, you take a small bite, okay? Alex can set aside how much you have to finish so you don’t go over your limit or anything.”</p><p>Jack nodded reluctantly. Alex mouthed a thank you at him and set to separating Jack’s salad.</p><p>“I’m sorry Jack, I really thought you knew it was potato salad,” Daphne said sincerely. “Alex, do you want the rest of it?”</p><p>“I mean I can have it unless any of y’all want?” Everyone shook their heads, having very big portions of chicken wings on their plates – Jawn and Awsten aside of course.</p><p>Travis prodded Awsten. “You sure you’re gonna be full with your dry ass veggie sticks?” Awsten hasn’t touched the salsa at all, just silently munching on his carrot and cucumber sticks.</p><p>He shook his head. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Had a snack at Starbucks earlier.” Jawn had to resist his urge to snort. Awsten’s idea of a snack was probably a black coffee. <em>Appetite suppressant, of course.</em></p><p>Geoff’s brow furrowed. “No you didn’t. We were here all afternoon.”</p><p>“I dropped by after my morning workout,” Awsten explained, pressing a kiss to Geoff’s cheek. “I would’ve grabbed something for you but I only had change on me.”</p><p>“It’s okay, you can make it up to me tonight,” Geoff said, eyebrows waggling.</p><p>Everyone giggled, even Jack. “That’s fucking gross,” Travis said, tossing a wing at Geoff.</p><p> </p><p>After dinner, Jawn and Daphne excused themselves to Jawn’s room.</p><p>“Hang on Daph, I have to use the bathroom, I’ll be back in a sec,” Jawn called, leaving Daphne on her phone. She grunted in response. He didn’t see her worried expression as she watched him leave with a water bottle in hand.</p><p>He went to the washroom, made sure the door was locked and knelt in front of the toilet bowl. It was always stressful to purge when there were guests around, especially Daphne, because he really didn’t want to be caught. It wasn’t like he cared too much, he’s been caught a couple times and was able to get away with the usual excuses – food poisoning, stomach bug etc. Still, he tried to minimize the noise when he purged. Sticking two fingers down, he felt the potato come up easily. Wingstop salad was a favourite to purge – it was creamy with the consistency of mashed potatoes, so he didn’t have to worry about any cubes lodging in his throat and choking him. The taste wasn’t great, but when has vomit ever tasted good?</p><p>Jawn let himself continue heaving up food, drinking gulps of water in between until nothing but water came up anymore. He wiped his mouth, closing the toilet lid and flushing. He made sure to rinse his mouth out with water until he couldn’t taste the purge. He opened the door, bumping into Travis, who shook his head. “Again, dude?”</p><p>“Bad stomach. You know how it is.” Jawn tried to play it off casually.</p><p>Travis crossed his arms. “Man, that’s been the fifth time you used that excuse with me. Why do you even bother?”</p><p>Jawn knew Travis was just concerned, but he wasn’t in the mood for it. “You won’t understand, dude.” He pushed past Travis and went back to his room. “Hey, Daph.” He climbed into the bed and snuggled next to her, pulling his phone out.</p><p>After a bit of comfortable silence with the couple scrolling through their phones, Daphne turned around to face Jawn. “Look, babe, it’s not that I don’t love the guys, but have you thought about moving in with me?”</p><p>Jawn paused, surprised at the suggestion. They’ve never discussed this before and Jawn had always assumed Daphne liked having her own space. “Uh, why all of a sudden? I mean, I’m not totally opposed but like, do you not want me living here? Is it the room? We can hang at yours more often if you want.”</p><p>Daphne took a deep breath before speaking. “No, it’s not the room or anything, I like being anywhere with you, but it’s just…I know you’ve got some sort of thing going on with Awsten about losing weight and it’s not healthy.”</p><p>“I know it’s not, I don’t need a biology lecture about it Daph,” Jawn interrupted.</p><p>“But it would be better if you come and live with me! I can cook you food that’s healthy, I promise. I don’t know why you’d want to lose weight, you look perfect, but even if you do you should do it in a way that doesn’t absolutely destroy your body. I know you’ve been making yourself throw up.”</p><p>Jawn bit his lip. He was aware Daphne probably knew but they always tiptoed around the subject. He supposed he couldn’t avoid the topic forever. “I have it under control,” he tried to defend himself, “you don’t have to worry about this, really. I don’t want to get in your way, you know I love you, but I think I’ll be okay staying here. Besides, the guys will kill me if I moved out and they have to find a replacement,” he pointed out.</p><p>“I’m not gonna pressure you into doing this, I know it’s a big step. And it’s not like I think Awsten is a bad influence, but it might be better if you don’t see each other all the time, you know? Just as much as regular friends do, maybe he’ll have less of an impact on your…habits. But the offer’s on the table so you just have to ask.”</p><p>“I know babe. Thank you for the offer.” Jawn ruffled Daphne’s hair and pressed a kiss to her cheek. He knew she wanted the best for him, he was just too far gone into self-destruction to care.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>9.3</strong>
</p><p>Jack was pacing back and forth in his apartment. He had a painting and a PowerPoint due in two days and he was close to failing the course, but nothing could get his mind off of Awsten. Those bony wrists that looked like they could be wrapped around easily. His calculating eyes, watching everyone as they ate, that night at dinner. His eyes practically bored into Jack’s as he struggled with every bite of potato salad, and Jack swore he saw a smirk of triumph when Awsten bit into his carrot stick. That boy had to be an anorexic, he had the signs of one. He swore when they were in Awsten’s room he even saw lanugo hair on Awsten’s arm when he pulled on his sleeve.</p><p>He was aware that Jawn was bulimic, it was obvious with his bruised knuckles and the way he always had to use the bathroom almost immediately after eating. He wasn’t worried about Jawn, when it came to weight and exercising self-control, he was miles above (or rather, below) Jawn. But no one told him there was another anorexic living with Alex. <em>What if Alex likes him more than me because he’s skinnier?</em> He knew that was stupid thinking, that his eating disorder is definitely not what attracts Alex. But the thought kept gnawing at him. <em>Would it be fucked up to say I wish I were as skinny as him?</em></p><p>After what felt like an hour of contemplation, he picked up his phone, scrolling through his contacts to find the new ones he had added last week.</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Hey it’s Jack. From the dinner last week at Alex’s?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Awsten: HEY DUDE I KNOW WHO YOU ARE WHAT’S UP</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Are you free to meet at mine? I’ll text you the address</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Awsten: SURE AS LONG AS YOU’RE NOT GONNA MURDER ME OR SOMETHING</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Bro do I look like I have the energy to do that?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Awsten: OK COOL I’LL BE THERE IN HALF AN HOUR</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jack opened the door to a breathless Awsten, who had texted that he was downstairs a couple minutes ago. “Did you <em>walk</em> here?” he asked, incredulous. The smaller boy was wheezing and panting, bent over at the waist. </p><p>Awsten threw himself onto a chair without invitation, still breathless between his words. “Ran, actually. Good exercise. What’d you want?”</p><p>Jack shut the door and sat down. “Look, I know you’re anorexic. Between the big ass sweaters and your ‘diet’”, Jack made little air quotation marks, “you aren’t fooling anyone.”</p><p>“And you’re also anorexic, you don’t even bother to hide it. At least I don’t have a meltdown every time I see food. What’s your point?”</p><p>Jack was a little surprised at the hostility, but he supposed he started it first. He held up his hands as if he were surrendering. “Hey, I’m not here to attack you, sorry if it came off that way. I was just thinking, since you want to lose weight, and I want to lose weight, you know,” he gestured, not really wanting to complete the sentence.</p><p>“What, you want to be my <em>ana buddy</em>?” Awsten said, chuckling.</p><p>Jack grimaced at the name. It sounds so bad, put that way. “Kind of, yeah. Just a little healthy competition, you know. I bet you’d like to go against someone on a more…level playing field, let’s say?”</p><p>“What do you mean, more level playing field?” Awsten feigned innocence, but he was leaning forward in interest, weighing the pros and cons in his mind.</p><p>“You know. Jawn purges, and Alex mentioned that Travis said something about you two having a weight loss competition,” Jack started.</p><p>“Travis needs to shut up, he probably ranted to Alex about how unhealthy it is too.” Awsten snorted.</p><p>“He’s just trying to be a good friend. Alex has caught on to you two, by the way,” Jack said, watching to see if Awsten would have any reaction. He didn’t.</p><p>“Good, then we won’t have to explain why I don’t like eating or why Jawn throws up after eating anything. Just makes it easier for us.”</p><p><em>He’s acting so nonchalant about this</em>, Jack thought. Jack was a lot more nervous about his anorexia, he remembered crying when Alex found out, convinced that the blonde would leave him because he was a freak. It took him a long time to truly believe that Alex accepts him despite his eating disorder, and a lot longer for Alex to convince him to try recovery. Alex has been an absolute saint in helping him recover, given his refusal to speak to any therapists and dieticians.</p><p>Well, look where he is now. In his own apartment, convincing Awsten Knight to be his ana buddy. 2014 Tumblr ana butterflies would be so proud. He just needs a red dragonfly bracelet, and he’d be a walking stereotype.</p><p>“So, are you in or not?” he asked Awsten.</p><p>Awsten shrugged and smiled. “Sure, I’m in. Welcome to the Thunderdome.”</p><p>“You wanna exchange stats?” Jack asked tentatively. “We don’t have to, but I feel like that would help with supporting each other through this.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure, I don’t mind. I’m 5’9 and a half, this morning I weighed 53.8 kilos, I’m aiming to lose another 8.8 till I’m down to 45 kilos. My current BMI is 17.5,” Jack could hear a tinge of pride in Awsten’s voice as he rattled off his stats. <em>17.5 is tiny, he’s already underweight. You don’t want to get sucked into his world, </em>a small voice in Jack’s mind warned him. Jack ignored it. He wanted to be as small as Awsten, smaller even. Jack has never weighed 53.8 kilos.</p><p>“That’s pretty good, nice, I like tough competition,” Jack said, trying to seem less intimidated than he was. “I’m 6’2, weighed 65.5 kilos this morning and I’m aiming at 56.5. 9 to go.”</p><p>Awsten clapped his hands together. “Good. We don’t really have similar stats because you’re a giant, but we’re trying to lose similar amounts of weight. So, we’re going to update each other every morning we weigh. Do you do body checks?”</p><p>Jack tried not to take offense at Awsten calling him a giant. <em>He didn’t mean that you were big, just tall</em>, he tried to rationalize it, but it felt like the rug was pulled from underneath him and he was just falling into a bottomless hole. He struggled to concentrate on Awsten. “Uh, yeah,” he said after a moment. “But not every day. Usually every week or two.”</p><p>“That’s fine, I don’t bother doing them every day either. Here’s one from a couple days ago, the day after you ate at ours.” Awsten took his phone out, tapping on the screen. A couple seconds later Jack’s phone chimed. He opened Awsten’s message. It was a picture of Awsten in the mirror, only wearing his boxers. He was even smaller without the sweaters covering him, the barest hint of rib showing through his skin. His skinny calves were to die for, and Jack wasn’t sure because of the boxers but he thinks Awsten might have a slight thigh gap.</p><p>Jealousy and shame swelled in his chest. <em>It’s all because I didn’t control my urges better. If I worked harder I would look like him</em>, he told himself. “You look great,” he managed to say.</p><p>“Don’t beat yourself up dude, I’ve probably be in this longer than you have,” Awsten said. Jack knows he’s being patronizing, but he eats up the words of comfort anyway, nodding. “Send me one of yours soon, okay? I have to go now, I’m meeting Travis at the library.”</p><p>Awsten left Jack staring at his photo album, wondering which photo of his body would generate the least disgust from Awsten.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>10.15</strong>
</p><p>Alex was in his room, working on his thesis, humming a song under his breath as he tried to go through the thirty-four tabs of scholarly references he had open. It was just October, but he was already worrying about completing the thesis on time. He wanted to finish it as soon as possible and spend more time with Jack. It wasn’t like he cared about college – it was a compromise he made with his parents. He gets a degree, he can do whatever he wants with his life after. Alex had grand plans of going on tour with Jack and their other bandmates, Rian and Zack. Finally, no one would tease him about his ‘little band’ anymore. If he could just get through this year and this goddamn thesis.</p><p>He heard a knock on the door. “Come in!”</p><p>Travis poked his head in. “Hey, hope I’m not interrupting anything? You look hard at work.”</p><p>Alex looked up from his laptop and smiled lightly. “No, not at all! Come in, what is it?” He didn’t talk much to Travis aside from mealtimes and some small talk. He liked the smaller boy well enough, he had an amazing sense of humour that ticked Alex’s funny bone just right, but they never had much common ground aside from their major.</p><p>“Oh, I just wanted to have a chat with you. Nothing super serious, don’t get nervous,” Travis explained, shutting the door and sitting on Alex’s bed.</p><p>Alex turned his chair to face Travis. “Yeah, sure, go ahead. I’m all ears,” he said. He was a bit nervous, feeling a twist in his gut despite Travis’ assurances. This was his first time living in a flat with other people – he had rented studios the past couple years, so he wasn’t sure if he was doing any ‘bad flatmate’ things.</p><p>“Uh, I just wanted to talk about Jawn and Awsten, and uh, Jack,” Travis said, still keeping his face neutral.</p><p>“Is this about the uh, eating issues? It’s pretty obvious with Jawn and Awsten, I know what’s going on and I’m pretty sure they know as well. I’ve bumped into Jawn a couple times after he vomited, I think Jack called it purging?” Alex made a face. He could never imagine making yourself throw up just to lose weight. Jack did a lot of messed up things, but he was glad Jack didn’t make himself throw up. Kisses would suck so much. Travis nodded, confirming his guess. “And well, with Awsten, I don’t want to step on his toes or anything. I’ve dealt with all that with Jack before so I kinda get what he’s going through, I think he just really has to come to realize how unhealthy it is on his own time.”</p><p>“Okay, so I won’t have to catch you up to speed on Jawn and Awsten’s bullshit. I don’t know if Jawn told you this, but basically he and Awsten have this competition thing going on. It’s been a whole thing since high school, those two trying to lose weight in the most fucked up ways. I keep forgetting to mention this to you, I just wanted to let you know in case this sort of thing would impact Jack’s recovery. I’ve told them not to interfere with Jack about eating stuff,” Travis sighed. “Sometimes I really want to make them go to a therapist or something but they’re adults. It sucks watching them deteriorating like this. I’m sorry if they’re difficult to put up with, especially when you’re dating someone who’s trying to recover, but I promise they’re great people. I mean, you know Jawn, he’s an awesome dude, but Awsten is, too. He may seem sort of cold, but you’ve seen him when he plays music. The guy just lights up. It’s just that they have these streaks of self-destruction. Especially Awsten, he’s naturally competitive so he puts so much pressure on himself.”</p><p>Alex made a sympathetic noise. “Yeah, I saw how stressed he was to be around Jack at first. But I think they’re warming to each other, and I like Awsten, so there’s no need to worry about that at all. He’s a really talented guy, and I’ve seen his nice side a couple times, mostly when we jam together. I do understand how you feel about wanting the guys to see a therapist, dude. Like, I wanted Jack to see a therapist and a dietician in the beginning, when he agreed to recover, but he immediately said no. Says if I’m taking him to a therapist he’s going to refuse recovery. He says he’s not sick enough to need that kind of treatment,” Alex buried his face in his hands for a moment, frustrated at the memories that he was recalling, “and it sucks but he’s right. Not that he’s not sick enough, that’s a fucked up thing to say, but I did some research online and it’s not likely that I can get him admitted to any inpatient program at his weight. He’s underweight, dude, but he’s still not fucking sick enough for them to take him in and it’s fucking stupid. Does he literally have to be on the brink of death before they would do something? I can’t do this home DIY version of recovery for much longer and I don’t want to lose Jack and the healthcare system here is completely broken.” Alex felt his voice rising, and he took deep breaths, trying to quell his anger before he misdirects it at Travis. “I just want Jack to get better,” he said helplessly. “I just want him to be able to do normal college kid things like go to parties and drink until you blackout instead of worrying how many calories are in the alcohol and which oversized shirt would make him look the least hideous to everyone else. They don’t know how much we hurt, man.”</p><p>Travis walked over to Alex and patted his shoulder tentatively. That didn’t seem like a very ‘bro’ thing to do, but Travis wasn’t the best at comforting people and tended to pat everyone like his dog. It seemed to work, Alex’s breaths became more regular. Feeling the stale silence fill the air, Travis tried to make his voice soothing as he spoke. “I know, I know how you feel. It breaks my heart every day to see my best pals destroying their bodies. You’re really kind and patient to be willing to help Jack recover, I’m sure it takes a toll on you. You’re allowed to be stressed and pissed, and if you want my door is always open for a chat. I don’t wanna toot my own horn but I’m a pretty good listener.”</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all of my issues onto you,” Alex said, immensely grateful that Travis was willing to listen to him talk about his struggles with Jack. He rarely got to vent to anyone, since Rian and Zack don’t really understand Jack’s eating disorder that well and most people would just think he’s an asshole or tell him that Jack wasn’t worth his time. “You’re the first person I’ve really opened up to about this stuff since we’re in an oddly similar predicament. Thanks for not judging me or anything like that. I’ve tried talking to other people and they just told me I’m wasting my time with Jack and he’d dump me and find someone else after he recovered.”</p><p>Travis waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, smiling in reassurance. “Dude, it’s fine, I started it with telling you about Jawn and Awsten, so if anyone I’m to blame for ranting without invitation. Also, those people are assholes who don’t see the joy in watching someone you love grow and improve, don’t listen to them. Just text your boy Travvy Two-Bones if you want someone to chat to, okay? I just wanted to check that you were okay with Awsten and Jawn’s antics since it’s nearly been two months and I just never found a good time to talk to you about it.”</p><p>Alex returned Travis’ smile with his own grin. “Thanks man, I really needed this. I’ll make sure to hit you up if I need to. You let me know as well, any time you wanna vent, okay?”</p><p>Travis bumped his fist with Alex’s. “Deal.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>11.9</strong>
</p><p>Awsten and Geoff were kicking ass against a bunch of 12 year olds. It was the two of them up against five preteens at laser tag, and to their surprise these kids were pretty good competition. But Awsten and Geoff knew each other like the back of their hand, so neither of them were sweating it as they took down three of the kids without either of them getting shot. They were pros at this point, having been practicing against Jawn and Otto since they were kids. Awsten usually wouldn’t want to play with younger kids because he’d feel like he was picking on them, but some of the preteens had riled them up, saying they weren’t good enough to play against their friends, and Awsten would not have his pride and dignity stepped on by a couple of snot-nosed children whom he was sure he could crush.</p><p><em>On your left,</em> Geoff mouthed. Awsten, who was crouching behind a block, stood up and attempted to run, but his legs felt fuzzy and blackness swelled his vision. The last thing he remembered before he went unconscious was one of the kids getting him in the shoulder with a laser and the sound that signalled he was shot.</p><p>Awsten opened his eyes. He was lying on the couch of the waiting area at the laser tag place. Geoff was hovering above him. “What happened?” he mumbled. “Did we beat them?”</p><p>Geoff pursed his lips. “No, but the one who shot you was crying because he thought he killed you. You fainted, dude. Took so much convincing for them not to call an ambulance. Here, I got you an electrolyte drink. It’s 5 calories, so you gotta drink it all, okay?”</p><p>Awsten laughed weakly at the idea of one of the sneering children thinking that a laser killed him. “Thanks, babe. I’d have to drop out to pay for those hospital bills. Dinner’s on me,” he grabbed the drink and sat up, taking a large gulp of it. He continued guzzling until half the bottle was gone. “Where do you wanna go for dinner?”</p><p>“We can go anywhere,” Geoff said, his voice getting sterner as he continued, “but I want you to eat whatever I’m eating. Don’t give me any of that crap about not having an appetite, Aws, you fucking fainted. You need food to keep your body actually working.”</p><p>Awsten looked like he wanted to argue, but then he considered. “Fine, but you get to pick one dish. No main and side bullshit. And I get to pick my drink.” He knew Geoff had a point – he tried to eat enough to function until the next time he eats. For him, food was fuel, not for enjoyment but for survival. It seemed like he miscalculated how taxing a game of laser tag would be on his body though, and he was glad he had Geoff there to take care of him. “And, uh. Thanks for looking after me.” Awsten wasn’t very good with expressing gratitude sometimes, the words felt awkward coming out of his mouth and he could feel himself blushing. He gave Geoff’s cheek a small kiss.</p><p>He could tell Geoff appreciated it, and he made a mental note to thank Geoff whenever he did something nice, even if the words were hard to say for him. “It’s no problem. Just doing what a good boyfriend would do. Are you feeling better? Do you want to sit for a while longer before we go?”</p><p>“Give me another five minutes to get my shit together and I’ll be fine,” Awsten grinned.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>11.10</strong>
</p><p>Jawn knocked on Awsten’s door the next morning. “Everyone’s here, Geoff,” he called. He waited patiently outside as Geoff filled Awsten in vaguely what was happening.</p><p>“What does he mean <em>everyone</em>? What’s going on?”</p><p>“Awsten, it’s fine, we were just worried after what happened yesterday–“</p><p>“Who’s <em>everyone</em>?”</p><p>“Please don’t be mad. It’s just the guys, and Daphne and Jack, and I called Otto yesterday.”</p><p>“Otto? No way, he wouldn’t leave the farm.”</p><p>“I was really scared yesterday when you fainted so I called him, okay? He drove here this morning. Come on.”</p><p>The door opened and Jawn walked with them to the living room. Awsten’s hair was dishevelled and he was still in yesterday’s clothes. So was Geoff.</p><p>Everyone was sitting on the couch or the floor. Daphne got off the couch to make space for Awsten and Geoff. They waved her off, sitting on the floor. Awsten grabbed a cushion from the couch, kneading it with his arms. His eyes met Otto’s and he did an awkward wave. “Hey, dude.”</p><p>Otto had a small smile on his face, but Jawn could tell he hasn’t slept much. None of them had the previous night. “Hey. You good?”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m fine, I fainted, it’s not the first time I’ve fainted guys. I’m fine, nothing’s gonna crack open this skull.” Awsten hit his head lightly with his fist.</p><p>Jawn sighed. “Awsten, you are <em>not</em> fine. When Geoff called me, telling me you fainted do you have any idea how scared I was? I know you’ve fainted before, but Aws, you’re tiny now, I don’t want to know how much it takes to permanently damage you.”</p><p>“Yeah dude, you’ve gotten way smaller since the last time I saw you. You sure you’re doing okay?” Otto said, his eyes full of concern. He used to hang out with Awsten, Jawn and Geoff a lot in high school, but since they all went to college and he was tending to the farm full-time, they saw each other face to face much less during term time.</p><p>It was Travis who replied. “He’s not fine. Look at him. He’s half the size he was in high school.”</p><p>Awsten scoffs. “I wish. I’m just on a diet, it’s not a big deal, why is everyone freaking out all of a sudden?”</p><p>“We just want to know you’re going to be fine, Aws,” Daphne said soothingly.</p><p>“Daphne, I love you like a sister and I appreciate your concern, but seriously. I’m not going to drop dead or anything.”</p><p>“Really?” Jawn said, his voice rising. “Because it seemed pretty close to it yesterday when Geoff called me. He was crying, Aws. We were all scared, Alex and Jack and Daph and I and Otto and Travis, and we couldn’t do anything except wait for Geoff to text us that you woke up or…something else that we didn’t want to think of. Awsten, at this rate, you’re going to die before you graduate.”</p><p>Awsten sneered. “You’re just angry because you’re jealous. You’re jealous, because you’re weak, you don’t have the willpower to do what I do. This is why you’re not losing weight, because you’re weak. You really think I still view you as my competition? Honey, I’ve long surpassed you. Thank god I met Jack, or I’ll still be stuck down at your level. Now this guy,” he walked over and patted Jack’s shoulder, “he’s <em>actual</em> competition, actually keeps track of what he eats and manages to weigh in every day. He’s actually losing weight like me.” <em>Unlike you</em>. The words hung in the air unspoken.</p><p>The whole room was dead silent as everyone digested Awsten’s speech. “Wait, you and Jack were…doing our thing?” Jawn was taken aback. His voice shook with pain and betrayal. “Fuck you. Fuck you, Awsten. How could you do this to me?”</p><p>He ran out of the room, unable to stop the flood of hot tears from falling. Daphne hurried after him, shooting Awsten a murderous look. He collapsed on his bed, curling into a fetal position as he sobbed. Daphne locked the door behind him, muttering something about killing Awsten. She wrapped her arms around Jawn as he cried. “Jawn, what he said was bullshit, okay? It’s all bullshit, he’s just angry because of his own issues and he was lashing out at you. I’m gonna chew him out later.”</p><p>Jawn hiccupped between sobs. “No, he- he’s right. I have no willpower…”</p><p>“No,” Daphne said firmly. “He’s not right. Don’t let his words feed into your disorder, okay? He doesn’t mean it.”</p><p>Jawn didn’t have the energy to respond. His sobs racked his entire body, his tears soaking his pillow. Daphne held him until he eventually got too tired to cry and fell asleep.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>11.12</strong>
</p><p>Within the next day, Jawn had packed up his essentials and moved to live with Daphne, who welcomed him with open arms and kisses. He told everyone in the group chat he just needed a break. Alex and Travis gave him space, saying he’d be welcome back any time and to text them if he felt lonely. Awsten read his message and never replied.</p><p>Jawn was at the Starbucks where he and Otto were meeting. Otto was late, which was new. Jawn was usually the late one. As he was going through Instagram, he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, sorry about the wait,” Otto said.</p><p>“It’s totally chill, dude.”</p><p>Jawn ordered an iced Americano in an effort to be more weight conscious. Awsten’s words still played in his mind. <em>You’re weak, you don’t have the willpower.</em> Well, he’ll show Awsten who has willpower. Otto ordered a Frappuccino with extra whip and syrup. Jawn swears Otto can eat junk every day and not get fat. It makes sense, given that he’s doing manual labour every day, but Jawn can’t help feeling a small tinge of envy.</p><p>“You sure you don’t want any food?” Otto asked. “You kinda look like shit, man.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks for that,” Jawn grumbled. “I’m good, really. Daph is feeding me like she’s planning to cook me in her cauldron.”</p><p>Otto chuckled. “Good, you need it. You’ve gotten so much scrawnier since the last time I saw you.”</p><p>“I don’t think you meant it as a compliment, but I’m going to take it that way.” Jawn took a sip of his Americano and tried not to wrinkle his nose in disgust. It tasted awful! Why would anyone enjoy drinking this?</p><p>“How long are you going to be in town?”</p><p>“Just a couple days since I’m here anyway. I’m couch surfing. At yours, actually.”</p><p>“Oh! I hope you like it there. You can sleep in my room if you want, I don’t think I’ll be there for a while.”</p><p>“You’re really moving out?” Otto asked. “I mean, I’m sure Daphne would be fine with it, and the guys would understand, but man, you know Awsten didn’t mean all that right?”</p><p>Jawn sighed. “I know. But it still hurt a lot to hear. Doesn’t help that he knows exactly which buttons to push. We’ve known each other for like, seven years, man. And we’ve never had a falling out like this.”</p><p>“He’s not texted you back yet? No apology or anything?”</p><p>“Not a word.”</p><p>“He’s probably too proud for it.”</p><p>“Or he meant what he said.”</p><p>Otto shook his head vehemently. “Jawn Rocha, you know good and well that Awsten loves you and he’d never actually mean that. It’s just this whole eating disorder problem that’s making him like this. He needs a therapist or something. So do you, in fact.”</p><p>Jawn shook his head. “I’m never doing that. Besides, Jack’s recovering and he doesn’t need one,” he pointed out.</p><p>“That’s because he refuses to even try recovery otherwise. Alex filled me in, we had a chat yesterday. Pretty nice dude by the way.”</p><p>“Yeah, he’s a cool guy. Met him online through some really cringey forums, but you’re not going to tell anyone that.”</p><p>“Oooh, is this voluntarily given blackmail material I hear?”</p><p>“Hey!” Jawn punched Otto lightly. “I’m telling you that in confidence.”</p><p>The topic of conversation moved onto Otto’s farm and the bee stings he’s gotten lately, but Jawn’s mind was still stuck on Awsten. <em>Maybe he did mean what he said. Either way, he’s right. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>11.20</strong>
</p><p>Living at Daphne’s was very different. Daphne was patient with him, never pushy. She did tend to look sad every time he came out of the bathroom after purging, but he assured her that it was fine, that there was never blood or anything out of the ordinary. He had even purged less, especially after meals Daphne cooked herself, making an effort to keep down the food she so carefully made for him. It was sweet, he knew she spent time researching healthy recipes in an attempt to convince him to lose weight in a way that won’t destroy his body in the process. He always made sure to show his appreciation, sometimes cooking for her or making desserts to surprise her after she came home from classes. He used to love cooking when he was younger, he just fell into the habit of ordering takeout since university and it’s been great picking up the hobby again.</p><p>It’s been a little over a week since Jawn moved out, and Awsten still hasn’t texted or called. Currently, Jawn was laying on his bed, ignoring his academic responsibilities and singing along to My Chemical Romance loudly when he got a text from Alex.</p><p>
  <em>Alex: Hey dude. Mind if I swing by to Daphne’s to have a lil chat? Or you could come over.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alex: Or we can meet somewhere like a Starbucks. You like Starbucks. If it’s a good time rn. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Yeah you can come over. Daphne’s at school she won’t be here. Text me when you’re downstairs. </em>
</p><p>He flopped onto his belly as Alex replied with an ‘okay’ emoji, wondering what he wanted.</p><p>Jawn let Alex in twenty minutes later. “Hey dude,” Alex pulled him in a hug as the door shut. “I missed seeing you, man.”</p><p>Jawn chuckled lightly, pleasantly surprised by the show of affection. “It’s been ten days.”</p><p>“Ten days too long, man. How’s living at Daphne’s?”</p><p>“Oh, it’s nice. Different, but getting to chill with Daph is also great. How’s everyone? How’s Jack?”</p><p>“That’s uh, that’s what I wanted to talk about.” Alex sat on the couch. “He felt really bad after what happened that night with Awsten. He wasn’t sure if he should text you or give you space but he feels really bad about it and wants to apologize. He knew that you and Awsten had your own thing going on, but I think he was under the impression that Awsten told you about them…competing.” Alex grimaced at that word. “Jawn, bud, I’m not gonna judge you but let me know if you ever need help, okay? I’m always here to help.”</p><p>Jawn smiled a little. “Thanks dude. I know, I’m blessed to have you as a friend. I promise I’m watching it and I won’t let myself get too far down that road. Daphne’s been helping me, actually, she makes these amazing health food dinners and I’ve kept some of it down,” he said proudly. “And about Jack, tell the guy I’m not mad at him at all. I’ll send him a text later, too. I mean I totally get why he’d think I was, given the way I left but I’m cool with him. None of this was his fault, Awsten was just being a dick.”</p><p>“Has he not contacted you at all? We’ve been tiptoeing around mentioning you at home because we didn’t want to set him off. What he said to you, that was awful and vile and hopefully you don’t take it to heart, dude.”</p><p>Jawn shook his head. “Not at all. It’s fine, I’m sure he’s fine with y’all mentioning my name. He doesn’t have much ammo to use against you guys anyway. I’ve been texting Travis about it and he’s been trying to talk to Awsten but the guy is really good at avoiding shit,” he paused to sigh. “I really miss Awsten too, honestly. It makes me uncomfortable that we’re not speaking. Especially when it’s about this shit, he knows I’m sensitive and he just stabbed me in all my wounds. I want to say I’m not thinking about what he said, but it’s been playing in my mind and I think he might be right.” His eyes were watery, and he was trying his best to stop the tears from falling. <em>You’re weak. You don’t have the willpower.</em></p><p>Alex gave him another hug, rubbing his back gently. “Hey, hey, no, don’t say that. He’s not. You’re an amazing guy and you’re not weak at all. Physically or emotionally. He was just pissed and said a bunch of things he didn’t mean. I’m not making excuses for him, I just want you to know, what he said wasn’t true at all.”</p><p>“Thanks Alex,” Jawn said, his voice muffled in his arms. “I don’t know if I can believe that but thanks anyway.”</p><p>“It’s okay, dude,” Alex said, still looking worried at Jawn. “Do you want me to stay with you for a bit, until Daphne comes home from college or something?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m going to be fine, I’m not fragile or anything,” Jawn reassured. “But if you want to stay, by all means, yeah! We can play on my Switch or something if you want.”</p><p>Alex brightened at the suggestion. “That sounds great! I’m gonna kick your ass.”</p><p>They played a couple games until Daphne came home, then she and Jawn took turns beating Alex at CTR. Right after he left, Jawn grabbed his phone to send a text.</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Hey Jack, Alex just dropped by and let me know you weren’t sure we were on good terms after that night at our place. Just wanted to let you know that we’re totally cool :) no hard feelings, none of it was your fault. Be careful and take care of yourself, okay? I’ll see you round</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>12.1</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Daphne’s picking me up and we’ll be over soon. U want anything from 7 eleven</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alex: I’m good. Can’t wait to see u nd suck ur dick later </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: I’m gonna hold u to that</em>
</p><p>Alex was looking forward to seeing Jack, impatiently fidgeting as he sat on the couch, glancing at the living room door every two minutes. They haven’t seen each other for a month – Jack went back to Lebanon because of a family emergency, then went home for Thanksgiving. Alex didn’t have much of a relationship with his family, so he stayed in the flat with Travis and Awsten, who also decided against going home for similar reasons.</p><p>He and Travis and Awsten had had their little own Thanksgiving meal in the flat. Alex surprised himself by how well he could cook, even following a recipe from some random cooking blog he found online to make roasted carrots for Awsten with 0 cal spray, which the smaller boy appreciated and actually ate. In Alex’s opinion, it was way better to have a Mario Kart marathon with his friends than spend a couple days with hovering distant relatives that he saw once a year and didn’t care about. He decided he was going to stay here for Christmas too.</p><p>The door unlocked, and a stick-thin body flew into his arms. “I missed you so much,” Jack murmured, his bony arms wrapping around Alex’s torso. Alex hugged Jack back, registering how much of the man’s spine he could feel. The ridges seemed even more pronounced than he last remembered, and when Jack pulled away, it was impossible not to note how much more gaunt he looked. <em>It’s been a month. How did he change so much?</em></p><p>Alex heard Awsten whistle as he walked into the living room. “Boy, look what the cat dragged in.” Awsten seemed unsurprised at Jack’s weight loss, and it occurred to Alex that Awsten probably got to see more of his boyfriend than he did over the last month. The thought didn’t make him jealous; it just made him sad. They’re both destroying themselves and convinced that they’re becoming perfect, or stronger, or whatever they believed. They’re not.</p><p>“Hey, hope y’all had a nice Thanksgiving,” Daphne greeted everyone. “I’m just here to pick up some stuff for Jawn.”</p><p>Jack nestled his head in Alex’s shoulder, flicking through the TV channels casually. “Hey, I liked what it was playing,” Alex complained. Jack switched it back to the house renovation show.</p><p>“Hey Jack! Long time no see, dude. Man, did they not have good food in Lebanon or something? I thought Lebanese food was supposed to be the shit. And healthy.” Travis plopped down onto an armchair. “I’m making a risotto tonight if you want to stay for dinner.”</p><p>Jack tried to smile at the offer. “I’m sure it’s delicious, I’ll see if I’m up for it. And Lebanese food <em>is</em> the shit, I had way too much when I went home.”</p><p>Alex frowned. He was genuinely concerned, he knew Jack had relapsed but it was easier to monitor his situation when he was around, and persuade him to eat every day or two in order to <em>not die</em>. Jack looked like he hadn’t eaten for the entire month that he was gone. “Babe, have you had anything today?”</p><p>“Uh…no. But I’m not hungry, I had a coffee and I drank lots of water.”</p><p>“That’s not enough. Have you eaten anything yesterday?”</p><p>Jack cupped Alex’s face with his hands. “Look, Alex, can we drop it just for today? I just got to see you for the first time in a month, I just want to enjoy tonight. Please?”</p><p>Alex looked sadly at his boyfriend. “I can’t. You know I don’t want to do this either, but babe…you don’t see how much thinner you’ve become. You’re emaciated. You’re barely recognizable, Jack, I don’t want to imagine the health complications you could face if you continue like this.”</p><p>“I’m doing fine. I really wanted this to be a happy night, but if I’m here just to get lectured I might as well leave.” Jack got up and grabbed his bag.</p><p>Alex grabbed his wrist, trying not to wince at how tiny it felt in his hand. “Please, babe, don’t. Stay for dinner, please? I promise I won’t make you see a therapist or anything, but babe, recovery is really important. We can try again.”</p><p>Jack relented, his arm going limp. He sat back down, exasperated. “I know you want the best for me, Alex. But I really feel much better this way. No more breakdowns during dinnertime, you won’t have to spend hours waiting for me to finish my stupid portions, I won’t have to watch while you’re cooking to know you didn’t use the normal oil instead of the spray, or whether you added more sugar than the recipe called for. See? Things would be so much more easier.”</p><p>“I don’t mind doing all those things, I do them because I love you and I want you to get better, I’ll do them for years if it helps you,” Alex explained patiently. He felt hurt, that his efforts were useless, but the logical part of his mind reminded him that this was all part of Jack’s disorder. “Relapses are a normal part of recovery, this is normal. This could happen again and I’ll still be here for you, Jack. Please, please consider doing this? For me, if not for you, please,” he pleaded. He knew he wasn’t supposed to guilt trip Jack, that it was an asshole thing to do in a relationship. But he would do whatever he could to get Jack to accept recovery. Outside help from professionals would be ideal, but he knew Jack would reject that outright. It was always baby steps with Jack, building up to the next change, but he would do it a million times over. He loved Jack <em>that</em> much.</p><p>Jack’s face was impassive. He stayed silent, contemplating Alex’s pleas. The room felt colder than it was minutes ago as everyone waited for Jack’s reply.</p><p>“Yeah, Jack, you’re looking awfully thin, and that’s coming from me, dude. Really, recovery might not be a totally bad thing for you.” Awsten interrupted from the dining table, speaking up for the first time since Jack and Alex started arguing. Travis shot him a glare, warning him to stay out of their business. Awsten ignored him, continuing, “I know how you’re feeling about this, I’m in the same place too. But even I eat to keep my energy up and my organs running. You know I’m telling the truth, you’ve seen my records. You need to eat, I’m surprised you haven’t blacked out by now, the way you’re fasting.”</p><p>Alex knew that Awsten was probably saying that for his own gain, to win in his fucked-up game that he instigates with anyone with eating disorders. He could see that calculating glint in his eyes, Awsten always had that look when he was scheming, where the nice friendly part of him took a back seat to his competitive streak. But a part of Alex was grateful that Awsten was backing him up.</p><p>“Awsten’s right, honey,” Alex said, taking the chance to speak. “Even if it’s just a little bit every day, okay? Please.”</p><p>Jack turned away. “I can’t do this. Alex, I love you, but I can’t. I’m going.”</p><p>Alex knew it was pointless to help someone who didn’t want to help themselves. He didn’t hold Jack back this time.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>12.4</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Can I call u I’m kinda in a shit place</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Yeah, is it urgent?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Not rly are u busy rn</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Give me uhhh like 10 minutes I’m gonna purge rn and then we can chat? I’ll call u</em>
</p><p>Jack picked up on the first ring. “Hey.”</p><p>“Hey dude,” Jawn greeted. “What’s up? You okay? Well I mean you’re obviously not, but yeah,”</p><p>Jack laughed bitterly at the rhetorical question. “<em>Not okay</em> is the understatement of the century when it comes to me.”</p><p>They let the silence hang in the air. Even over the phone, it was awkward. “So uh. I heard from Travis that you and Alex had a fight or something?”</p><p>“News travels fast, huh. Yeah. Things are in the air between us now. I miss him so much, Jawn, it’s weird not waking up next to him. I hate how we left things off.” Jack filled Jawn in on the details of what happened the other day.</p><p>“Man. And he hasn’t called or anything?”</p><p>“He hasn’t, but it’s okay. I wouldn’t want me back either.”</p><p>“Shut up, seriously. He’d be blind to let you go. You guys have been together for what, six years?”</p><p>“Jawn, it’s me. The anorexic freak who cries at the sight and smell of food. It’s a damn miracle he’s put up with me so long, maybe he just needed an excuse to get out of this relationship. I don’t blame him. It’s not like I <em>want </em>to be like this, and that’s the worst part. You know how it feels. If I don’t do things my way, I start thinking the worst things and calling myself names and I feel so gross.”</p><p>“At least you’re not a bulimic. I know it’s stupid, but I’m always jealous of you and Awsten. You guys have so much self-control.” Jawn knew he shouldn’t make this about him, but the words came out of his mouth anyway.</p><p>“Oh, no. I’m sure it’s really just variants of suffering.”</p><p>“But you suffer <em>better</em>. Like, you’re better at it,” Jawn insisted. It was disordered bullshit, and as much as Jack would deny it out of politeness he knew deep down they both agreed.</p><p>“Is there such a thing at being better at suffering?” Jawn could hear Jack snort over the phone at his own question. “Anyway, you know the whole uh, competition thing you used to do with Awsten?”</p><p>“The one you’re still doing with him?” Jawn’s tone came off more pointed than he intended. “Not that I’m against it, of course. Your choices and all that. I’m not going to be that nutcase who stops people from being friends with him just because we stopped speaking.”</p><p>“Yeah, that. And thanks for being so nice about it. So, I was just wondering if you wanted to do the same thing with me? Since you and Awsten aren’t talking and I don’t think Awsten would really want to hear all about the emotional stuff…you don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to!” Jack hurried to add on. “And it doesn’t have to be super strict because I’m guessing Awsten was like that with you too? It can be just, you know, a bit more chill, and neither of us are allowed to call each other weak or other mean stuff. Really not so much a competition as it is mutual support.”</p><p>“Sure man, but on one condition, if that’s not too much to ask. I want you to teach me how to be anorexic.”</p><p>“Uh. I mean, I don’t know if that’s something possible.”</p><p>“Let me rephrase, I mean, just teach me ways to have a bit more self-control. Nothing big, and you won’t be responsible for anything.”</p><p>Jack still sounded a little doubtful. “Well, okay, I guess I can do that. So you’re in? I really need someone to talk to and I think you’re the only one who understands. And well Awsten I guess, but he’s still sort of scary sometimes and he tells me I’m weak when I say that I’m tempted by chocolate and I can’t tell if he’s mad at me when I lose more weight than him some days…and I’m rambling, I’ll stop now.”</p><p>Jawn smiled fondly. He didn’t mind Jack’s rambles. “It’s okay, with me you can ramble, okay? I ramble a lot too, Daph says I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. And everyone except Awsten is tempted by chocolate, don’t take it to heart. He’s just saying that because he never liked chocolate, even when we were kids, so it’s not like he has some amazing power that you don’t.”</p><p>“Oh shit, I feel like that’s a state secret I just got let in on or something. Lucky bitch, I wish I didn’t like chocolate.”</p><p>Jawn grimaced. He knew that feeling too well. He was a picky eater and disliked most, if not all vegetables. Junk food was his kryptonite, which just made things worse, and was one of the big reasons why he would binge and purge instead of restricting. “Yeah, believe me, I get that. I fucking hate vegetables and most healthy shit, pretty much only Daphne could get me to eat any of it because she works magic in the kitchen that makes them tasty.”</p><p>“I know what you mean. She made this heavenly baklava once, I didn’t even care that it wasn’t traditional. I’m not surprised she could make great things with veg. It’s all about adding the right spices.”</p><p>Jawn heard the door unlock and Daphne calling out for him. “Hey, Daph’s home so I gotta go, but just text me anytime, okay? It’s been great to hear from you, I haven’t seen you in ages.”</p><p>“Yeah dude, no problem. It’s been good to chat with you too. Hey, if you’re free, would it be okay if I come over tomorrow? Just to play Crash or something. I just want to chill with someone instead of being driven crazy in this apartment.”</p><p>Jawn smiled. “That sounds like a plan! See you tomorrow, bud.” He ended the call as Daphne walked in, wrapping her arms around him. Everything seems to be looking up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>12.26</strong>
</p><p>Awsten was bent over in pain. He swears hunger pangs have never hurt this bad before. He had eaten two bites of roast turkey, two Brussel sprouts roasted in bacon fat and one spoonful of mashed potatoes at dinner. Everything else on his plate he managed to hide in his napkin or in a plastic baggie up his sleeve. It’s not like his parents or Gracie didn’t have their suspicions – in fact Awsten was pretty sure they knew, after all these years, but it was Christmas. He didn’t want to ruin anything. But it was half past one in the morning now, and he couldn’t sleep because of the pain.</p><p>He knew it was a bad idea to come home. They would just try to fill him with lard and fatten him up. His mother had put extra gravy on his mash, claiming that he ‘needed some meat on those bones’. The very idea of more fat building up under his skin made him feel ill.</p><p>This is unfair, it was Christmas and he deserved a treat! He did so well this year. He’s so close to his goal weight. Only 2 more until 45kg. And then he’ll only have to work on maintaining his weight. He just needs to get there first.</p><p>He found himself walking almost in a trance to the fridge where the Christmas dinner leftovers were. His mother always made extra portions in case they had last minute relative drop-ins. He opened the fridge, the cold light illuminating his face. He blinked. <em>No, I can’t do this. I’ve been doing so well. I don’t want to go back to middle school chubby Awsten. Remember how ugly I was back then? I’m so close to becoming beautiful. Don’t be weak, Awsten. </em></p><p>His stomach grumbled. It hurt. Everything hurt.</p><p>
  <em>Just one bite…just one bite wouldn’t completely jeopardize my meal plan. </em>
</p><p>He opened the lid to the mash and stuck a finger into the cold potatoes. He licked his finger almost tentatively. Then he did it again, and again. He dug his fingers into the soft mash, gobbling down mouthfuls of it. Soon, the Tupperware was empty.</p><p>But Awsten’s hunger wasn’t satiated yet. He reached without thinking for another container, the apple pie this time. He sat on the kitchen floor, shovelling piece after piece into his mouth. Some of the filling dribbled down his mouth, onto his shirt. Crumbs fell on the floor. He was too far gone to care, all he knew was that his body was consumed by a ravenous hunger, and he needed to eat. Didn’t matter what. He would take anything he saw. The pie didn’t really taste that good even – Awsten always preferred cherry pie to apple, but the taste didn’t register in his mouth as he shoved another slice down his throat.</p><p>The pie was gone in minutes. Next were the roasted vegetables. They were a bit soggy and didn’t have the heavenly scent that they had during dinnertime, but who cares? Not Awsten. He wolfed them down, handful by handful.</p><p>It was only after the vegetables were consumed that Awsten seemed to realize what he had done. He stared at himself in horror. Sat next to the fridge in a dark kitchen, crumbs and empty containers all around him. There was a bulge on his stomach. A fucking bulge! He felt utterly disgusting. That was so much food. He didn’t know the calories, but if he were to guess by the way his mother liked to cook with generous portions of oil and cream, all of it had to add up to a four-digit number. Maybe even five digits.</p><p>He felt stuffed, and it hurt. It was a different kind of pain than the one he was used to. Bending over and cradling his stomach no longer helped. But he knew that this pain was here to punish him, and he deserved it for fucking up this badly.</p><p>
  <em>What do I do now what do I do now what do I do now</em>
</p><p>Awsten’s mind raced as he buried his head in his hands. He hadn’t slipped up in so long, and he certainly never slipped up this badly. He moved to clean up the mess he made in the kitchen.</p><p>After making sure nobody saw his little incident, he went back upstairs to his room and dug out a box from under his bed. The top of it was dusty. It was his old box of ‘treasures’, where he used to hide all his laxatives and diet pills. He hadn’t needed the laxatives since he grew ‘stronger’ and stopped slipping up. He popped 6 of the strongest laxative pills from their casings and gulped them down with water. He winced as it went down, the water adding to his already painful bulging stomach.</p><p>Then he picked up his smartphone, and dialled Jawn’s number.</p><p> </p><p>Jawn had brought Daphne over for her first Christmas at the Rocha household, and his parents and siblings were all doting on her, to his pleasant surprise. They had never approved of his other girlfriends, so he was more than a bit nervous to bring her over, but he was glad he did. Not only because his family liked her, but because she helped ease his anxieties at the dinner table. His mother kept going on about how thin he had become and every time she did, she would put a spoonful of whatever was closest onto his plate. Daphne always let him push it off to her plate. It was their deal – he ate the plateful she arranged for him at the beginning of dinner and he wouldn’t have to eat more. He had to grab her hand under the table a couple of times and squeeze it when he needed reassurance, but other than that the night has been absolutely wonderful.</p><p>He was half-asleep and cuddling Daphne on the sofa, the whole family crowded around the living room. Home Alone 3 was playing on the television. It was a family tradition to watch all four movies after dinner, no matter how many times the younger adults and teens complained about how bad it was, or how half the house ends up falling asleep during the last movie anyway. It was only when Daphne prodded him awake and gestured at the phone on his lap that he realized it was buzzing.</p><p>“It’s Awsten. I’m going to go take this,” he explained when he saw the caller ID, getting up and walking to the nearest guest room. He locked the door as he swiped to take the call.</p><p>“Awsten?” He wasn’t sure what to say. ‘Merry Christmas’ didn’t feel right. Neither did ‘so you didn’t speak to me for a month and a half and now you’re interrupting my family’s Christmas marathon?’</p><p>“Jawn?” Awsten’s voice was choked up.</p><p>“Are you crying?” Jawn couldn’t keep out the worry that seeped into his voice. “Are you okay?” He didn’t care that they haven’t been on speaking terms. Awsten was still his best friend.</p><p>“Jawn, I- I fucked up, please help me. I’m sorry for calling, I fucked up so bad…”</p><p>He could hear Awsten’s sobs through the phone and his heart tightened. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here for you. Take your time, breathe, tell me what happened, and I’ll see how things can be fixed, okay?” He kept his voice patient and gently, like the one Daphne used with him when he purged one time after she cooked dinner, and spent hours crying afterwards because he felt bad about it.</p><p>“Okay.” Awsten’s breathing became less rapid as he calmed down. “I fucked up. I binged.” Awsten couldn’t see it, but Jawn’s jaw dropped. “I was hurting so much I couldn’t sleep because of the hunger,” he continued, “and it was like I went into a trance. I opened the fridge and I couldn’t stop eating, and I had so much.”</p><p>Awsten held back a sob and stopped to take a few deep breaths. “I ate the leftover mashed potatoes, and then the leftover pie, and the roast veggies, from last night. It was so much, Jawn, I ate it all, and then it felt like I woke up from the trance. And the worst part is, I didn’t even get to enjoy the food, I just ate it so quickly, and now everything hurts again, and I feel like I’m going to burst open, and I have a bulge on my belly and I’m disgusting.” He broke into sobs again.</p><p>“Oh, Awsten.” Jawn’s heart was breaking for Awsten. He remembered the first time he binged, and the way it felt. Awsten must be terrified. “Aws, it’s okay. A binge is not the end of the world. I know you’re probably scared, and I know it hurts and it feels bad, and I’ll be here to talk to you for as long as you need, okay? Did you do anything after the binge?”</p><p>“I took laxatives. Six. The really strong senna ones.”</p><p>Jawn winced. He knew which ones Awsten was referring to, and the guy was going to be going through a difficult morning after six of those. Laxatives literally felt like someone ripping into your insides and twisting your guts. “Ouch, man.”</p><p>Awsten sniffled. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Is everything still hurting?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Aws. I hope you can fall asleep soon. Sometimes binges do feel sort of like a trance, I know what you mean, those are the scariest. I know it won’t help to tell you not to weigh yourself, but if you weigh yourself tomorrow, try to remember that a lot of this is food weight, okay? You’ll lose it in another day or two. And I meant it when I said a binge is not the end of the world. You haven’t binged in what, a year?”</p><p>“A year and four months,” Awsten corrected.</p><p>“A year and four months. This probably helped with your metabolism, actually. Really, even if you binged for a week, you would still lose it in another.”</p><p>“I never, ever want to binge for a week,” Awsten said decisively. He paused. “Jawn?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick to you. I didn’t mean the awful things I said. I wanted to take them back as soon as they came out of my mouth.”</p><p><em>But it was too late. And you told me the truth I needed to hear. </em>“It’s okay. Water under the bridge.” Jawn smiled, and he was surprised that he didn’t have to force it. He was truly happy that they were making up. He could have his best friend back now. “I missed you.”</p><p>“I missed you too. I wanted to call you every day but I thought you would be better off without me.”</p><p>Jawn closed his eyes. “Never, Awsten. I’m so glad to be talking to you again.”</p><p>He could feel Awsten smile at the other end. “Merry Christmas, Jawn.”</p><p>“Merry Christmas, Aws.” He smiled, too. “I’ll tell Daphne not to give you too much of a hard time the next time we’re over.”</p><p>“Are you going to move back? Not- not that you have to, of course.” Awsten sounded uncertain.</p><p>“Uh, I’m not sure. I’d like to, but I’ll have to talk with Daphne first. And I also like living with her so, I’ll have to think about it.”</p><p>“Oh. Well, no worries about it, okay? And tell Daphne Merry Christmas for me please.”</p><p>“Will do. Good night, Aws.”</p><p>“Good night.”</p><p>Jawn hung up and bumped into Daphne as he walked out of the room.</p><p>“Hey, I was going to check up on how you were doing, you’ve been gone so long. What did Awsten want?”</p><p>“He had a pretty bad binge. His worst, from what it sounded like. I talked him through it and we made up after. Oh, and he wanted me to say Merry Christmas to you.”</p><p>“What makes the little twerp think I’ll forgive him?” Daphne replied. He could tell she was still angry on his behalf, and he put a hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“Daph, come on. He’s had a hard time. And you know he didn’t mean it,” Jawn pleaded. “Also, don’t be mad, he asked me to move back in.”</p><p>“I mean…I still think it’s better if you stay at mine, but it’s your choice, babe. If you want to move back in, it’s your choice. But you should visit mine more so I can cook for you.”</p><p>“I haven’t decided. I’ll sleep on it for now, it’s not something we should be worrying about for a while.” He yawned. “I’m sleepy. You wanna go to bed? We can take the back staircase, so they don’t realize we’re gone.”</p><p>For the first time in a month and a half, Jawn fell into a dreamless sleep, to the sound of Daphne’s snores and Home Alone 4 playing downstairs.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>1.5</strong>
</p><p>“Hey, can I come in?” Travis called outside Alex’s room.</p><p>“Come in, sure,” Alex responded. They’ve been having these talks somewhat often – once or twice a month. Usually it was about Jack or Jawn and Awsten, or both. Travis has avoided mentioning Jack since he and Alex argued a month ago.</p><p>Even Alex himself has been avoiding thinking about Jack, filling up his days with schoolwork, then concerts, then planning Travis’ birthday at Christmas. He knew he should call Jack to check on him, that that would be the responsible thing to do, but Alex was tired of being responsible. He still loved Jack, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop loving Jack, but he couldn’t deny that he was getting drained. With every attempt to convince Jack to go to therapy, or even to consider recovery, he was getting more exhausted. He would never give up, because giving up meant enabling Jack.</p><p>He missed the good moments more than anything. Waking up with Jack’s arms wrapped around him, or playing with Jack’s hair as his head rested on Alex’s lap, and most of all, Jack’s kisses.</p><p>But no, this time he would wait. It should be Jack’s turn to come to him, for once.</p><p>“So, what’s up, Travvy?” Alex spun around in his chair, crossing his legs.</p><p>“Look, I know this is really none of my business, but I think you should check on Jack.”</p><p>Alex pressed his lips into a thin line. “It <em>is</em> none of your business.”</p><p>“I know. But I’m worried about how he’s doing.”</p><p>“Then you can text him. You have his number and his Instagram,” Alex pointed out.</p><p>Travis frowned. “You’re his boyfriend. You really don’t plan on calling him or even texting?”</p><p>“Nope. His turn. Every time, it’s been me who had to pick up the pieces. Not anymore.”</p><p>“Alex, that’s irresponsible. You know he’s got anxiety and he’s severely unwell, you should check on him.”</p><p>“I love him, Travis. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to see him waste away like this. If he wants help he can come find me. Until then, I don’t want any of the guilt that comes with leaving him to his own devices.” Alex could feel Travis judging him, but he was just tired. He didn’t want to have this conversation, even though he knew it had to happen eventually.</p><p>“I know you’re going to be really pissed at me for suggesting this but,” Travis took a deep breath before he continued speaking, “I think you should apply for Jack to be placed in an involuntary psych hold. Jack’s clearly unwilling to stop or see any professional help and I think that’s the only way that he can be nursed back to health and actually have a good chance at full recovery.”</p><p>“What the fuck? No!” Alex exclaimed. “He’s already this averse to seeing any outside help and you’re suggesting locking him in a fucking asylum? Where he’ll have nobody familiar? He’ll just have panic attack after panic attack. There’s no way I’m doing that, those places probably mistreat people and I won’t have Jack there.”</p><p>Travis was alarmed at Alex’s depictions and hurried to explain. “No, you’ve got it all wrong! That’s not what psychiatric hospitals are like at all. Your ideas of psych wards are based on horror movies, they’re not like that at all. I know because I used to visit one quite often,” his voice softened, “I had an ex-girlfriend who was committed a couple times, sometimes for long periods of time. She was really depressed and suicidal. She died a year ago.”</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that dude.”</p><p>“It’s okay. I just wanted to let you know I’m not bluffing about it or anything. There are many people who have recovered fully from eating disorders and are able to live normal lives afterwards, but they all got the professional help they needed,” Travis said, placing emphasis on <em>professional</em>. “Alex, I’m sure you know that Jack can’t achieve full recovery without professionals. What you’re doing is very kind and generous, but you’re not trained for this. Especially with someone who’s in as deep as Jack is into his disorder, it’s difficult and also dangerous to try, uh, DIY recovery.”</p><p>He knew every word Travis said was right, but he would never admit it. And maybe it hurt his pride a little to hear that he would never be able to help Jack the way a professional could. “Sorry, dude. It’s still a no. If Jack talks to me, I can try convincing him, but I’m not going to call him just to spend another two hours of my life in a futile argument with someone I don’t want to hurt.”</p><p>“Well, when you’re holding Jack’s corpse in your arms, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Alex flinched at Travis’ cutting retort. Jack dying on him was admittedly his worst fear. He didn’t want to imagine watching the light die from Jack’s eyes, and his eyes shutting for the last time, and his body growing cold. He hated the idea of it.</p><p>“You’re one to talk. You’ve got two dying friends and you’re doing what exactly? Oh, that’s right, nothing,” Alex snarled. “Look at Awsten. He looks like he could drop dead any minute. And you’re still letting him get away with it. You’re a fucking hypocrite.”</p><p>“Fuck you.” Travis got up from the bed and stormed out, letting the door slam.</p><p>Alex put his head on his desk. <em>When you’re holding Jack’s corpse in your arms</em>…he really hated that Travis gave him that mental image. But he wasn’t going to be so easily swayed. No. He went back to reading his poetry, trying to focus on anything but the image that kept floating through his mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>1.13</strong>
</p><p>Jack opened up the barrage of text messages Jawn has sent him over the past hour. <em>Shit.</em> He had just woken up at 3pm, having completely given up on going to classes while he was fasting.</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: FUCK</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: I gained 0.4kg. At 53.2 now</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Ugh I don’t wanna take more lax though my asshole already feels like it’s been torn open</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: And I purged last night too :/ but the binge was bad I guess</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Daph nd I had burger king and I had a whole cheesecake afterwards because I felt bad about eating fast food and I know that doesn’t make sense but u know how ED brain is</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: Sorry dude just woke up </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: man I’m sure that’s just food weight it’ll drop in a day or two! And yeah I completely get it man, sometimes I’m tempted to do that too</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jack: text me next time and I’ll keep you from binging, k?</em>
</p><p>The truth is, Jack knows Jawn would never text him when he’s that far gone into a binge. There would be too much shame in it, and Jack knew that when Jaw adds up the calories he’d probably just throw himself into even more food ‘since he’s fucked the calorie limit already’. Jack has been there, too, before he learned to control himself better.</p><p>
  <em>Jawn: Will do, thanks</em>
</p><p>The next message was a picture of Jawn in his boxers, in front of a mirror. Jawn has lost weight since Christmas and Jack could see the smallest hints of bone showing through flesh and skin, though not as noticeably as himself or Awsten. Still, losing one whole BMI point was an accomplishment, and he had congratulated Jawn when he heard the good news. Despite having a smaller BMI, Jack remembered still feeling jealousy at Jawn’s celebration. He was happy to hear of the success, heck he’s even supported Jawn through the hunger pangs and it was all worth it! But eating disorders were always competitive. He knew no matter how happy he was for Jawn, any win for his friend was a threat to him, something to motivate him to do better, to be even sicker.</p><p>Jack didn’t quite wear his emotions on his sleeve the same way that Awsten did – he had a clear memory of Awsten’s eyes, and how hunger glinted in them when they looked at him. Not a hunger for food or attention, despite what it may seem like, but a hunger to <em>win</em>. Sometimes it scared Jack a little, and he would feel glad that he was never a competitive person until the eating disorder set in.</p><p>He wondered how Jawn put up with it during high school. Adolescence was a fragile time, he would know. They never really talked about Awsten and Jawn in high school. Jawn would mention bits and pieces – how they would sneak off with their trays of food during lunch, or spending a month finding the caloric values of every item on the cafeteria menu as a side project to distract from academics. Maybe it was good that Jawn didn’t dwell too much on it, because sometimes Jack felt envious of their friendship, and how long it had lasted. If only he had someone to keep him accountable, next to him everyday in high school! He could be so much skinnier by now.</p><p>Then again, this <em>was</em> Awsten he was thinking of. Awsten, who would not hesitate to call you useless if you succumbed to a packet of chips. No, that wasn’t Awsten. Awsten was more separate from his disorder than any other sufferer Jack has spoken to, and sometimes he forgot that it was the anorexia speaking, not Awsten, because he was so used to the illness being part of himself. Awsten, his friend, was a sweet, friendly dude who liked cuddling his boyfriend and groaning at puns and composing music and texting in all caps, and his eating disorder was just a disease, a monster that keeps pulling him under. And people are tossing lifeboats at him, but he lets himself drown. <em>Wow, very poetic, Jack.</em></p><p>Jack wondered if he was like that too, and that he just never saw it. A disorder and a person, separate but in one body. He wondered if Alex saw it like that, if Jawn did. No, it couldn’t be – Jack had let this become part of his identity when he was young and foolish, and now the disorder has taken root so deeply he couldn’t tell where anorexia ended, and Jack began. A voice in his head asked if that would be so bad, and Jack couldn’t even bring himself to silently answer yes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>1.17</strong>
</p><p>“Awsten? Please come out, babe,” Geoff coaxed. “I’m not going to make you eat anything, okay? I just want to talk. Plus, I miss cuddling you.”</p><p>The idea of cuddles was a tempting one to Awsten, but he wouldn’t be such a ‘good’ anorexic if he couldn’t resist the most basic of temptations. He buried his face under his blanket and tried to drown out his boyfriend’s voice with his humming.</p><p>Awsten came back five days ago from Christmas break. After the binge, he hasn’t forgiven himself and has been doing his best to eat as little as possible, even with his mom’s heavenly cooking. Sometimes he caved and had a couple bites, but he would make up for those with his workouts. He did his usual workout three times a day on break, since there was more time, and his mind would torture him otherwise.</p><p>Since he’s been back, he has left his room a total of three times, washroom use aside. All three times, either Alex or Travis has tried to get him to eat. They even set aside their big fight for this. Awsten should be flattered they were willing to do that for him. But he just dodged their pleas and questions one at a time with smooth lies rolling off his tongue like the old pro he was.</p><p>He still felt like filth. Like he couldn’t wash the grease from the roasted vegetables off his body. The butter from the mashed potatoes clung to his wide hips, his massive belly, his flabby arms. All of him was disgusting, and he wanted it gone. Finally, he was gathering up the determination to truly starve himself, once and for all. The most hardcore diet plan he has ever devised, and he was going to be his own guinea pig. He wasn’t going to stop until he became perfect, then maybe he’ll put it on the forums, share his secrets to becoming beautiful and be worshipped in the eating disorder world. Or maybe he’ll be selfish and keep it to himself, so nobody will ever look as good as him. Not even Jawn or Jack will get his diet plan. Awsten hasn’t decided which hypothetical future sounded better.</p><p>“Aws, please, Travis says it’s been five days since you’ve been back and you haven’t eaten anything. You didn’t even tell me you were back.” Awsten detected the hurt in Geoff’s voice, but he balled up his hands into fists and dug his fingernails into his palms, willing himself to stay silent.</p><p>“I have food in my room,” he replied icily. He hated that Alex and Travis called Geoff, used the one person he loved the most against him. And how could Geoff? Geoff tried to understand him, never pushed him to eat more than was necessary, and always made him feel beautiful. But now he wanted Awsten to be fat. Couldn’t Geoff see he was just trying to become more beautiful?</p><p>“Whatever you’ve eaten, I’m sure it’s hardly real food,” Geoff said, knowing him too well. All he had were rice crackers on the first and third day when he had to study. Rice crackers that Geoff most certainly didn’t consider as ‘real food’, even though Awsten insisted they taste better than they look. “Come on, we can go get grilled cheeses from that diner you like, the one with the low-fat cheese option. Or anything else you want.”</p><p>“I thought you said you weren’t going to make me eat,” Awsten drawled. “Is this why you’re here? Because Travis and Alex needed backup? You should know peer pressure doesn’t work on me by now.”</p><p>“No, angel, I wanted to come and see you. Please, if you would just let me in.” Geoff sounded so worried and desperate that after a while, Awsten begrudgingly unlocked the door and opened it. Geoff almost knocked Awsten over in the way he leapt at the smaller boy.</p><p>Awsten locked the door with one hand as he embraced Geoff with the other. “Hey,” he said softly, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I’m back. I’m really overwhelmed with things and I didn’t think you would want to see me…like this.” He gestured to himself.</p><p>Geoff looked at him with pain in his eyes. “Aws, baby, you’re so small. Did you not eat when you went back home? I feel like I’m going to break you if I hug too hard.”</p><p>Awsten scoffed. “Nonsense. I’m stronger than you’d think. And I did eat, more than you think, too much actually. Had all the fixings for Christmas, even mash and dessert,” He withheld the situation in which he consumed the food, because what Geoff doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Awsten pinched the skin stretched across his torso. “I’m pretty sure I got fatter.”</p><p>Geoff shook his head. “Aws, you have like, no fat on your body. Don’t be ridiculous. But I’m glad you ate at Christmas, your mom makes the best food so I totally get that.”</p><p>“Yeah, I hope you and Jawn can join me next Christmas? Maybe Otto too. Just like old times, one Christmas every night at a different house. I missed that.” It was an old tradition they used to do in middle and high school, and it allowed for the parents to get a break from watching their kids for a couple days without needing a babysitter.</p><p>“Wait, you made up with Jawn?” Geoff asked, not bothering to keep the hope out from his voice, and Awsten felt bad for not considering how Geoff was dealing with the situation. Jawn was Geoff’s best friend too, and it was probably awkward to feel like he had to pick sides in the argument.  </p><p>“Oh, yeah, fuck, I should’ve told you about that. Yeah I called him Christmas night and we’re fine now. I knew I was a massive dick, I just didn’t know how to say sorry.”</p><p>Geoff kissed Awsten on his cheek. “Hey, I’m proud of you for owning up to it, and I’m really glad things are good between y’all now.”</p><p>Awsten pulled Geoff over to the bed. “Can we cuddle? I missed being in your arms.”</p><p>“You quite literally just were a couple seconds ago. But of course, why not?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2.5</strong>
</p><p>Jack was nibbling a slice of apple – his breakfast – when Alex called him. He paced back and forth with the phone in his hand, debating whether to answer or not. He didn’t want another lecture about eating and getting therapy. None of that has ever turned out well for him.</p><p>He’s been missing Alex like crazy but convinced himself that Alex didn’t want him anymore. That he finally got sick of him and found someone better.</p><p>He took a deep breath. What harm could Alex cause? If he needed to, he could just hang up. “Hello?”</p><p>“Jack?” Alex’s voice was strained. “Jack, hello?”</p><p>“Hey. How are you?”</p><p>“Jack, listen, I don’t know how much time there’s left. I love you, I just need you to know, I never stopped loving you, okay?”</p><p>“What’s going on?” Jack was hit with a tidal wave of emotions. The <em>I love you</em> was all he wanted to hear, but what Alex said about time made him worry. He hated vague statements. They made his anxiety skyrocket, Alex knows this, why is he doing this?  </p><p>“I don’t know when they’re gonna come but Jack, I promise, this is for you okay? I know you’re going to hate me for it, but that’s okay, I’m still going to love you, no matter what. I love you so much, Jack,” Alex was crying into the phone.</p><p>“Alexander William Gaskarth, what the fuck is going on right now?” Jack all but screams into the phone, his own tears falling. He could feel how fast his heart was beating and he started to see black around the edges of his vision. He had an inkling of what Alex did as he saw a police car pull up right outside his building. but he needed to hear the confirmation from Alex’s mouth.</p><p>He sat down slowly against the window, waiting for Alex to be done with his crying so he could speak, also trying to calm himself so his vision would go back to normal. “I’m sorry, Jack, please. I love you so much. Travis told me you were gonna die if you kept going on and I think he’s right, bringing you to a hospital is the best thing I can do. The most responsible thing I can do for the man I love.”</p><p>Jack cried. <em>Alex loves me.</em> He was terrified, he loved Alex but this wasn’t fair. He knew he was going to die at some point, he just didn’t care. It was unfair of Alex to take his choice away from him. “I don’t know if I can forgive you, but I love you too.”</p><p>There was knocking at the door. “Police!” Someone called out from the other side.</p><p>“I have to go,” Jack choked out. As he opened the door, he never stopped crying, calling out for Alex even as the phone fell from his hands.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2.5</strong>
</p><p>Jawn received a text at 11am from Alex. It was sent to the group chat between everyone in the flat and their partners.</p><p>
  <em>Alex: Hey, thought everyone should know. I’ve made the difficult choice of committing Jack in an involuntary psych hold. I’m really worried about him and I hope this could make some difference. I know some of y’all might judge me but please try to see it from my side.</em>
</p><p>Jawn raised an eyebrow at the text but was not entirely surprised. Alex was always the fussiest about the eating disorder stuff. Daphne and Geoff had their worries and it was obvious, but they also treated their boyfriends like actual adults. Alex had a tendency of treating Jack like a child sometimes.</p><p>Still, it took him a moment to register. <em>Jack is forced to recover now</em>. There was a fucked-up sort of satisfaction in the news. Almost like he had eliminated a competitor, and now, it was just him and Awsten again, one-on-one in the playing field. He’s gotten all the tips he needed from Jack, and it was time to surprise Awsten with how much self-control he’s developed over the past months. Before Awsten could realize, Jawn would dip lower than his goal weight.</p><p>It was time for his workout again. Exercise was another thing Jawn didn’t do until Jack told him to. It wasn’t particularly enjoyable – Jawn was always a video game nerd and not a sports guy, but it did help him burn calories. He started stretching, looking for a podcast to listen to whilst he did. These days Daphne was too busy to cook for him or spend much time with him at all aside from occasional weekends and cuddling at night. She took up a second job, and between two jobs and school, he couldn’t blame her at all. It was a miracle to be able to hold down two jobs in this economy and he was proud of his girl. Besides, this gave him more opportunities to get away with not eating. Daphne has been getting suspicious about his behaviour for a while now.</p><p>Jawn suddenly felt acid in his throat, mid-lunge. The feeling was all too familiar, but this time, there were no fingers or toothbrush that tickled the back of his throat, just the fluid threatening to come up on its own. He refused to stain Daphne’s rug with his sick, so he held it in his mouth and ran to the toilet bowl and heaved as water, bile and blood fell in. <em>Fuck</em>. He didn’t know what throwing up without initiating it meant, but it was definitely not a good sign. Neither was the blood. Something was very, very wrong.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>2.5</strong>
</p><p>Awsten and Geoff were lying in bed, Geoff’s arm wrapped around Awsten’s torso. He had to put a cushion under his arm to stop Awsten’s ribs from digging into him too much. They had stayed like that all day since they woke up at noon and got the news about Jack. Neither of them said much, both trying to process the news.</p><p>Geoff broke the silence. “So, about Jack.”</p><p>“I saw this coming. Alex treats him like a five-year-old. I feel bad for Jack, a little.”</p><p>“But he’s doing what’s best for Jack.”</p><p>“You really think what he’s doing is right?”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean, I’m not going to lie, I want you to recover too. But I don’t want to resort to those methods.”</p><p>Awsten groaned. “Please, never do that. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you. The hospital will probably get tired of me and kick me out. I’ve heard stories like that before.”</p><p>Geoff chuckled. “My little troublemaker. Alright, I promise I won’t make you do anything. But we should talk tomorrow morning about this, okay? And maybe see how Jack is, when he’s out, or if he stays there we can visit him.”</p><p>Awsten turned to place a small kiss on Geoff’s forehead. “Of course. I hope it helps him. We can talk tomorrow, but I want to sleep now. And your eyes are halfway to gluing themselves shut. Good night, babe.”</p><p>Awsten hopes Jack recovers. Maybe a little bit selfishly, for his competitive purposes, but also partly genuinely. Being able to eat what you want when you want without guilt…it was too far away from him to be any more than a dream now, but maybe Jack could still turn back.</p><p>As Awsten’s eyelids fluttered shut, his body curled against a snoring Geoff, his breathing got slower, and slower, and stopped. He hasn’t eaten for five days, and his organs finally gave up – there was nothing, nothing at all to eat away and keep things working anymore, the shutting down was inevitable. Geoff’s arm was still around him when his body turned cold. Awsten has won, but he has paid the price.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know if you have any feedback or if you liked the story! I know the ending was a bit short, sorry about it. I'm not good with endings but I definitely went into this fic planning that one of them would die in the end. In case it was unclear - the last three scenes were all from the same day (Jack getting put in hold/Jawn throwing up without triggering it/Awsten dying in his sleep)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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